The Art of Walking
People, learn the etiquette, use it, use it daily.
1. If you’re slow, or fat, or slow AND fat, get the fuck out of the way. Walk to the side. There should be a fat/slow side of the pavement. With a non-velvet rope and bad lighting preferably. Will save on energy bills.
2. Don’t cut me off to then die in front of me. I’m still going to walk faster than you and that means I’ll just have to then walk around you and reclaim my original position. I walk fast. Very fast. Faster than you, you slow asswad.
3. Don’t veer off your path. You’ll cross into mine and we will collide. Or EVEN worse, I’ll have to slow down or stop. I don’t have time to stop for you, unimportant cretins!
4. This is America, we walk on the RIGHT! We drive on the RIGHT! Learn it, use it!
5. Let the people OFF the trains before you try to get on….you pushy pushy jerks! And you know what stations are worse than others…need I say more?
Recent Muggings - and they say the city is getting safer?
I’ll keep this one short…wtf is up with all these muggings, robberies, and jumpings…?
Within the last month, three people I know, one being myself, have been mugged in and around Brooklyn & Manhattan. The first, an East Village musician, was mugged and beaten up somewhere around 13th St and 1st ave. A few weeks after this, I was jumped on my own doorstep for my iPhone, but I chased the fucker down and got it back. And just today, a friend of mine got jumped in his own neighborhood, but managed to get away from the muggers before anything of value was stolen.
Two people (who I would love to let loose in a lion’s cage at the zoo) asked me after my incident: So, you managed to get yourself mugged, huh?
What? I MANAGED to get myself mugged?!? Yes, it’s definitely something I had control over. Obviously something you have no control over is your brain! Assholes!
The best though is due to the economy and the fiscal crisis the city is facing, the Mayor is asking every city agency to cut, cut, cut spending. Well, we need MORE policing, not less.
The dirty, filthy subways of Gotham
What is it with crazy people and the trains? Mice and subway platforms? Fat, smelly straphangers?! The other night I was on the devastating D line, riding home from work, and I made the mistake of sitting next to this woman who liked sweaters. She had a bag full of hoodies - all colors of the rainbow. Halfway through my autobiography of Richard Hammond (a must read by the way, if you like Top Gear), my neurotic neighbor decided to layer herself up with ALL of her sweaters. She must have been cold. One after another, like a little Russian doll, she covered herself in sweater after sweater, ending up like a swollen Michellin man.
Fast forward to tonight and the disgusting Grand Street train station - a place I will never put my bags down…I don’t even want to stand on the platform! I made the mistake of standing too close to the overflowing (what else is new?) garbage can. Let’s just say Topo Gigio crawled out in search of his next meal. I moved further on down the platform. Later, once the dissapearing D train showed up, I had to sit next to this overweight, smelly man who obviously missed the shower/personal hygiene lesson in life. Sigh. Can I just have one normal subway ride?
